Baby Bunting and Sad Days

Hello again!

I am, in this moment, quite proud of myself.  I went straight from work to the gym (for the first time since before I started...it was rough times but I still went!), met my friend Kayla at Chick-Fil-A for nuggs (Monday is buy one nugget, get one free!), and came straight home and did everything I wanted to get done for class tonight.  This has to have been my most responsible day yet since starting the new job.

I have to be honest though friends, today was the hardest day so far.  Training this week is on Maltreatment and today's focus was Indicators of Abuse.  We had a morning speaker and an afternoon speaker.  The first speaker was a nurse practitioner with the Child Protection Team in Jacksonville.  She brought a slideshow loaded with photos of strangulation marks, slap marks, belt marks, extension cord marks, hanger marks, switch marks, and burns of every degree.  We had been warned to go light on breakfast today but I thought my trainer was being dramatic (sometimes she does that).  She wasn't being dramatic at all.  It was hard enough to see living proof of rage and anger, harder still to hear the personal stories behind each photo thus making it more real (the INANE excuses and explanations, etc.) but the worst was seeing such HUGE brutality on such TINY bodies.  The only word I can think to describe that experience was "shocking."

During lunch I ate at my cubey (as per usual...so sad haha) then went for a drive, got gas, etc. Got my head on straight before our second speaker came.  She was a firecracker and I liked her a lot.  She is the program director at Shand's Hospital that deals with child abuse cases.  Let me tell you how this goes:

"I'm So and So.  To give you an idea of some of the families you may be working with, I've brought a recording of a voice mail one of our case workers received.  The woman you will hear is the child's grandmother and is calling to complain about a lack of reimbursement for childcare expenses for her 3 year old grandson.  You will hear her end her complaint with 'have a blessed day,' put the phone down unknowingly without hanging up, and then beat the shit out of her grandson.  It will last for 11 minutes and I apologize for the language you will her her use towards the 3 year old as well as how uncomfortable this hell will make you."
Then she just presses play!

Well, to her credit, I will say she was accurate in her preface.  I'm not going to go into detail because maybe if you wanted to hear about this stuff you'd rather just ask.  I will say that "shocking" doesn't come close to describing this experience and by the end, I had tears streaming down my face.

When it was over, we heard another voice mail she left directly after that.  Ms. So and So said she shares this with trainees not to scare the shit out of them (though I'm sure that's an added bonus) but to give a strong example of how quickly these parents can flip their switch. Vigilance is key, it would seem.

I don't  have much to say about it except that my drive home was a quiet one consisting of me asking God to pretty please remove the screams of that little boy, his desperate and heart-breaking "yes ma'ams," the names his own grandmother called him, from my memory.  Well, God didn't do that.  So I asked God to pretty please show me the significance of this day and why I need to have that burned into my mind for the rest of my life.  Still waiting on that too.

I think after that, I'm obligated to end with something positive.  The weekend was really beautiful.  Friday, some of my favorite girls met me in Jacksonville when I got off work for a delicious dinner at the Loop (yuuum) followed by an adventure to the Jacksonville Fair.  Those places really know how to rip you off but man, I love all the colors. The giant swings are my favorite.  I like to close my eyes, spread my arms and pretend I'm Peter Pan...qualities of a future Social Worker? Maybe not :)


Saturday one of my favorite people in the whole world made a special trip for our friend Debrah's shower.  Her name is Kelly and I love her so much.  She used to be the InterVarsity staff worker at Flagler before bravely moving to the Philippines for a bit for missions and kicking butt before winding up in Clearwater where she's helping her Dad out with some things.  We miss her a lot but it makes it that much more exciting when she visits.  She fills our couch with her shining smile and our homes with her calming presence.  She radiates joy in a way that is very healing for anyone who encounters her.

A few other friends were in town for the shower (including Katie, fellow Red Door survivor!) so we all went out to Yamato's for my first ever Hibachi experience.  I'm telling you...I am a FAN.  Tori and I then somehow found ourselves watching Flight with our friend Stephen and some of his cousins and let me tell you again...LESS of a fan.

Sunday, I woke up fully intending to go to church but discovered upon awaking that I was a little ill-prepared for this shower that had snuck up on me.  Lindy, Kelly, and I embarked on some baby errands instead after a delicious breakfast at Manatee Cafe before I headed over a little early.  Our friend Jenn hosted it in her backyard (she was diagnosed with a pretty intense viral infection only hours earlier so she's quite the trooper) and the weather was PERFECT.  Our friends Kaley and Rae had brought all sorts of random items to create the most precious, Debrah-esque shower atmosphere anyone could ask for.  I think Kaley's inspiration was a woodsy babyshower she saw on Pinterest and man oh man, she pulled it off.  Kaley is a super star in a very pretty and sarcastic way.  Such combinations are my favorites so I think that's why I like her so much.  Everything came together so well and it was such a precious things to celebrate new life with some of my favorite women.

Debrah is due at the end of this month and couldn't look better. If you see her from the back  you can't even tell she's pregnant!

Sidenote: Debrah is one of the first friends I made at Flagler.  If you know Debrah, you know she can seem a little quiet at first and if you're like me, you might be a little intimidated by her wisdom and beauty at first.  But one time, I had to make this LAME video for my sign language class which included a dance party in a dorm room that we had to throw together last minute in the wee hours of the morning.  She responded to the impromptu text and that quiet, beautiful girl came without hesitation to dance around and bang her head of famously curly hair with a bunch of people she didn't even know. I decided then we were probably going to be friends and she hasn't been able to get rid of me since.

I love Debrah because she shows people grace in a way that is inspiring.  She is also one of the only people I know who adheres to the expression "don't speak unless you can improve the silence" so accurately and beautifully.  It is because of this that when she speaks her mind, I know she is sharing something that really means something to her and it always has a depth that will leave me thinking about our conversation hours later.  Also, she is the master of well-placed observations that will make you laugh in a way that you forget your troubles :) She is nurturing and kind and real and accepting and I couldn't be more excited for her to be a mother...mostly because I know she's going to KICK ASS AT IT. That's right, I said it.

All that to say...it was a beautiful shower.

Well, that was helpful.  Remembering the children that will be loved and protected softened the blow of today a little...but by no means minimized it.  Nothing could...nor do I think it should.

Pray for the little ones, friends.
They really need it.
And I might need it too in these next couple of months.

Wishing you all safe homes and Ferris wheel rides,
Caitlin

PS It turns out formatting pictures in this thing makes me too grumpy to function and stay up past my bedtime. So here's a hodgepodge.
(All the good ones from the shower were taken by Rae. She was kind enough to document)

Kelly and Debrah

Lots of laughing