2014...Already?!

January 05, 2014

2014...Already?!

I guess you're officially a grown up when you start saying things like "it's already been an a year since last New Years?" I should just accept that I'm getting there.

I had a very lovely New Years actually.
I cooked dinner for my boyfriend (for the first time actually...I burnt something. Obviously. And he ate it anyway. Because he's wonderful.)

Then we went to his house on the island and ran through his neighborhood and down the side of A1A like a bunch of goofballs trying to find the best part to see the beach fireworks from since we were too lazy to fool with actually going to the beach. He offered to give me a leg up onto the neighborhood wall to see better but I chickened out when I pictured myself catapulting over the other side and him having to come retrieve me, all disheveled and embarrassed. I had already burnt part of his dinner...I could only allow myself to lose so many points in one night. Besides, there was something kind of magical about standing in the dark of mostly deserted A1A, just the two of us, freezing and talking about what made for the best fireworks.

We met up with our friends at a New Years party a mutual friend gives every year...where they blow up everyone's gingerbread houses. Nice right?! It was a joy to ring in the New Year with some of my favorite people then come back to the quiet of my cozy apartment and just relax until we were too near sleep to keep functioning and he went home. It was a pleasant and low-key night, and as someone who has notoriously had unpleasant new years...I loved all of it. Besides, kissing this guy at midnight...not a bad deal :)

I had New Years Day off of work which was WONDERFUL. I am so thankful for the time off I've had between Christmas and New Years to just relax and didn't realize just how much I needed it. I woke up a few hours before Lindy and decided to read through my old journal entries since last January instead of doing my normal devotional. Gotta say, shockingly enjoyable. Not that my journal entries were particularly enjoyable (they were mostly a little lame, as old journal entries usually are) but it was shocking to see how near to me God has been this year, even when I was certain he had stepped out.

At the end of 2012, I was panicking I'd never find a job that wasn't JCrew. I was barking up all the wrong trees and doubting God's provision. By October 2012, I was starting a job that I was slowly growing to hate and was burning the candle at both ends between the commute there and my sad and expensive attempt at completing my Masters degree at the same time. Yet by March of 2013, I was starting a new job in my own county with people I'm so blessed to work with, benefits I'm really grateful for, and now I'm about to complete the training for my Child Welfare certification. If you had asked me then though, I would have said I spent the beginning of 2013 with utter failure. I felt quitting a new job so soon to start one I deemed easier (turned out it's way harder actually) was the mark of weakness. I felt admitting I couldn't afford grad school right now was settling for less. I thought choosing to forgo any InterVarsity (or any organized ministry) involvement was saying I was comfortable with spiritual laziness. Turns out God used 2013 to kick my butt in all the quiet ways only I had the pleasure of witnessing.

Something that really struck me as I was reading through my thoughts of 2013 was how God prepares us...like, for EVERYTHING. In the midst of pages and pages of doubt and fear, I could go back and see how God was so CLEAR and INTENTIONAL with his plans, I was just too busy feeling aimless and abandoned to notice. He prepared me for huge transitions within my family and through that taught me about his faithfulness and the importance of taking heart and holding out hope. He prepared me for a job I actually love spending 40-50 hours a week of my life doing, even when I'm utterly exhausted or broken hearted over it. Through that He taught me that he provides us our daily bread, not our daily indulgences. He also taught me that He built me to love the marginalized, not judge them. I've learned I only flourish at my job when I'm following the Lord's lead with how I approach it and not my own. And something particularly exciting, He prepared me for being someone's someone. I had spent so much time learning to be proud of (and actually really enjoy) my identity as an independent, single, Christian woman...I didn't even see Jonathan coming! Looking back, I can see God had been busy "pruning" a lot of things off of me which at the time, I resented parting with because of the ways they brought me comfort or helped me ignore the things I yearned for. Turns out, He likes Jonathan even more than I do and wanted to give him a fair shot at tackling a pretty impossible situation: pursuing someone who is A) completely DENSE about dating and B) so accustomed to being alone she's actually a little terrified of being with another person. Come to find out, dating (Jonathan particularly) is pretty awesome. I'm constantly amazed at how the Lord loves me more than I love myself and gives gifts that are so good, I didn't even have the courage to ever ask for them. "What love the father has lavished on us..."

I've seen countless Facebook statuses recounting an entire year's worth of accomplishments and hurts...by all means, post on. I don't have anything monumental to post but am so content with that. I am so content that in 2013 I spent a year getting to know what God has for me in quiet and intimate ways, letting Him clean out and expand my heart in ways I didn't really even want, yet as a result, am left feeling so much fuller and well-loved. I'm excited that I spent almost a year leaving a job that felt empty and learning a job that challenges me a thousand times a day and leaves me constantly learning and never sitting idle. I'm excited I spent a good chunk of that year getting to know a boy that is intentional and strong and courageous and full of surprises and that God loved us both enough to let our paths cross at exactly the right time.

I don't believe in New Years Resolutions but I do believe in a healthy dose of reflecting so that I can value the fresh start of a clean calendar. I know I'll pencil in a boatload of home visits and court dates for work. I know I'll pencil in some friends' weddings and birthdays. I'm hoping I'll pencil in a trip overseas this year (I've been saving!). But other than that, sky's the limit I suppose. No penciled in pounds I will drop by 2015 (though a healthier 2014 is definitely in the works). No penciled in classes for underwater basket weaving (or whatever it is people set resolutions about). Just the hopes of continued growth with all the ones I've spent the past years loving and the ones that are new on the scene too. I wouldn't even mind a little more failure if it leads to more amazing beginnings.

Well, I've said almost nothing of consequence and have spent plenty of time procrastinating. Also Barnes and Noble is freezing and Tori is cooking me dinner. What a great Sunday.

Love from a crowded cafe.

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”

Some 2013 highlights, in no particular order: